Low Self Esteem
We tend to go through life evaluating ourselves and others according to a scale of worth. The idea of self esteem is the amount of value that we consider we are worth. These values vary from person to person. Whilst we might rate ourselves as being of little value, others might rate us much higher. If we
get into the habit of thinking negatively about ourselves, then low self esteem, or placing little value on ourselves, is the result.
Low self esteem can be a result of negative life experiences, particularly when we're young and most vulnerable. These experiences may include being criticised or judged
negatively, such as from a parent or school bullies. As adults, abusive relationships and very stressful life events can also cause low self esteem.
Low self esteem can stay low, because of our own self-critical thoughts, which can be triggered by criticism, or perceived criticism (even if none is intended, we believe we are being criticised).
We tend to go through life evaluating ourselves and others according to a scale of worth. The idea of self esteem is the amount of value that we consider we are worth. These values vary from person to person. Whilst we might rate ourselves as being of little value, others might rate us much higher. If we
get into the habit of thinking negatively about ourselves, then low self esteem, or placing little value on ourselves, is the result.
Low self esteem can be a result of negative life experiences, particularly when we're young and most vulnerable. These experiences may include being criticised or judged
negatively, such as from a parent or school bullies. As adults, abusive relationships and very stressful life events can also cause low self esteem.
Low self esteem can stay low, because of our own self-critical thoughts, which can be triggered by criticism, or perceived criticism (even if none is intended, we believe we are being criticised).
Self Esteem Quick Reference Sheet can be found here (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/SelfEsteemQR.pdf)
How Low Self Esteem affects us
Emotions - we can feel depressed; hurt; angry; frustrated; anxious;
ashamed; guilty etc.
Thoughts
- Negative, self-critical; I'm so stupid, I'm worthless, It's my fault, I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, I'm incompetent
- Unhelpful thinking habits might include Mental Filter, Mind Reading, Self Blame, Internal Critic, Compare and Despair, Shoulds and Musts, Black and White Thinking. (see for more details http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/unhelpful.htm)
Behaviours
- try to please others
- get defensive when we believe we're being criticised
- underachieve or work harder to cover what we percieve as being our own
incompetance
- shy and passive around others
- avoid situations and people
- neglect or abuse ourselves
How Low Self Esteem affects us
Emotions - we can feel depressed; hurt; angry; frustrated; anxious;
ashamed; guilty etc.
Thoughts
- Negative, self-critical; I'm so stupid, I'm worthless, It's my fault, I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, I'm incompetent
- Unhelpful thinking habits might include Mental Filter, Mind Reading, Self Blame, Internal Critic, Compare and Despair, Shoulds and Musts, Black and White Thinking. (see for more details http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/unhelpful.htm)
Behaviours
- try to please others
- get defensive when we believe we're being criticised
- underachieve or work harder to cover what we percieve as being our own
incompetance
- shy and passive around others
- avoid situations and people
- neglect or abuse ourselves
An example of how this can keep our self-esteem low:
Imagine you're given a parrot. This parrot is just a parrot - it doesn't have any knowledge, wisdom or insight. It's bird brained after all. It recites things 'parrot fashion' without any understanding or comprehension. It's a parrot.
However, this particular parrot is poisoned. It's been specifically trained to be unhelpfuly to you, continuously commenting on you and your life in a way that constantly puts you down, criticising you. For example, the bus gets stuck in a traffic jam and you arrive at work five minutes late. The parrot sits there saying: "There you go again. Late. You just can't manage to get there on time can you? So stupid. If you'd left the house and got the earlier bus you'd have arrived with loads of time to spare. But you? Useless. Waste of space. Absolutely pathetic!"
How long would you put up with this abuse before throwing a towel over the cage or getting rid of the parrot? We can often put up with the thoughts from this internal bully for far too long.
We can learn to use the antidote: notice that 'parrot' - and cover the cage. "There's that parrot again - I dont have to listen to it" and go and do something else. Put your focus of attention elsewhere. Be persistent in your practice! Eventually this poisoned parrot will tire of the towel, tire of you not responding. You'll notice it less and less. It might just give up its poison as your antidote overcomes it, ot perhaps fly off to wherever poisoned parrots go.
(Vivyan 2009 - adapted from The Malevolent Parrot - Accessed through getselfhelp.co.uk)
However, this particular parrot is poisoned. It's been specifically trained to be unhelpfuly to you, continuously commenting on you and your life in a way that constantly puts you down, criticising you. For example, the bus gets stuck in a traffic jam and you arrive at work five minutes late. The parrot sits there saying: "There you go again. Late. You just can't manage to get there on time can you? So stupid. If you'd left the house and got the earlier bus you'd have arrived with loads of time to spare. But you? Useless. Waste of space. Absolutely pathetic!"
How long would you put up with this abuse before throwing a towel over the cage or getting rid of the parrot? We can often put up with the thoughts from this internal bully for far too long.
We can learn to use the antidote: notice that 'parrot' - and cover the cage. "There's that parrot again - I dont have to listen to it" and go and do something else. Put your focus of attention elsewhere. Be persistent in your practice! Eventually this poisoned parrot will tire of the towel, tire of you not responding. You'll notice it less and less. It might just give up its poison as your antidote overcomes it, ot perhaps fly off to wherever poisoned parrots go.
(Vivyan 2009 - adapted from The Malevolent Parrot - Accessed through getselfhelp.co.uk)
MAKING CHANGES
Doing things differently
- Communicate with others assertively
- Set achieveable and realistic goals. When you achieve them, congratulate and treat yourself and allow others to congratulate you.
- Accept compliments. Take thank you and smile.
- Be who you want to be and you will become that way.
- Visualise postive change
- Take care of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.
- Stand walk and talk confidently - fake it till ya make it!
- Take up a new hobby or interest
- Learn a new skill or utilise and build the skills you already possess.
- Reward yourself for achievements and successes, however small you may feel them to be.
- Thank others, appreciate them and this will in turn be appreciated.
- Do things for others - help someone out. It makes us feel better about ourselves.
Set limits and agree what you will and won't do.
- If you can do something well, let others notice - when they notice
your work, so their opinion of you will be raised, which in turn, raises your
own self esteem.
Doing things differently
- Communicate with others assertively
- Set achieveable and realistic goals. When you achieve them, congratulate and treat yourself and allow others to congratulate you.
- Accept compliments. Take thank you and smile.
- Be who you want to be and you will become that way.
- Visualise postive change
- Take care of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.
- Stand walk and talk confidently - fake it till ya make it!
- Take up a new hobby or interest
- Learn a new skill or utilise and build the skills you already possess.
- Reward yourself for achievements and successes, however small you may feel them to be.
- Thank others, appreciate them and this will in turn be appreciated.
- Do things for others - help someone out. It makes us feel better about ourselves.
Set limits and agree what you will and won't do.
- If you can do something well, let others notice - when they notice
your work, so their opinion of you will be raised, which in turn, raises your
own self esteem.
Thinking Differently
- STOPP (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/stopp.htm)
Ask yourself:
- What am I reacting to? What have I been thinking about here?
- Is this fact or opinon?
- Is that internal critic operating again?
- Am I looking at things through those gloomy specs ("Mental Filter") again?
- Am I getting things out of proportion?
- Am I expecting something from myself that is unrealistic?
- What's the worst (and best) that could happen? What's most likely to happen?
- Is there another way of looking at the situation?
- What would I think about someone else in this situation? What would I say to a friend?
- Am I spending time ruminating about the past or worrying about the future? What could I do right now that would help me feel better?
- Am I jumping to conclusions about what this person meant? Am I mis-reading between the lines? Is it possible that they didn't mean that?
- What do I want or need from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me? Is there a compromise? How could I act in a way that was more effective or helpful?
- STOPP (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/stopp.htm)
Ask yourself:
- What am I reacting to? What have I been thinking about here?
- Is this fact or opinon?
- Is that internal critic operating again?
- Am I looking at things through those gloomy specs ("Mental Filter") again?
- Am I getting things out of proportion?
- Am I expecting something from myself that is unrealistic?
- What's the worst (and best) that could happen? What's most likely to happen?
- Is there another way of looking at the situation?
- What would I think about someone else in this situation? What would I say to a friend?
- Am I spending time ruminating about the past or worrying about the future? What could I do right now that would help me feel better?
- Am I jumping to conclusions about what this person meant? Am I mis-reading between the lines? Is it possible that they didn't mean that?
- What do I want or need from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me? Is there a compromise? How could I act in a way that was more effective or helpful?
Building Self Esteem/ Positive Sense of Self
Be compassionate with yourself - just as you might be with
someone else
(http://www.self-compassion.org/)
Acknowledge your strengths - start by writing out a list of things you're good at, or what others have or do say about you.
Notice the positives - carry a notepad around, and write down whenever you notice something good or helpful that you've said, or done, or what others have said about
you.
At the end of each day, ask yourself: What have I done or tried today that I've never done or tried before? What have I done to help other people today? Who has helped me? What have I enjoyed doing today?
REMEMBER: You have to take ACTION to change your REACTION!
(For more resources and self help guides check out www.getselfhelp.co.uk )
Be compassionate with yourself - just as you might be with
someone else
(http://www.self-compassion.org/)
Acknowledge your strengths - start by writing out a list of things you're good at, or what others have or do say about you.
Notice the positives - carry a notepad around, and write down whenever you notice something good or helpful that you've said, or done, or what others have said about
you.
At the end of each day, ask yourself: What have I done or tried today that I've never done or tried before? What have I done to help other people today? Who has helped me? What have I enjoyed doing today?
REMEMBER: You have to take ACTION to change your REACTION!
(For more resources and self help guides check out www.getselfhelp.co.uk )